every word is appreciated. i wish i could reply to each and every one of you, but i have been stretched out so thin everyday. besides, i really just want to say one thing to all of you - thank you. :)
i've been busy, tired, and my mood has simply gone to the dogs. i guess i'm more affected than i thought i was. i'm in fact listening to my playlist of tracks that ngak used to sing every week at club116, where we all used to drown our work sorrows, come rain or (moon)shine. without coordinating with anyone, everyone would just turn up on wednesday and friday nights. val, edmund and cher, ervin and linda, alex, adeline, shin, melody, eugene, serena, moira, vernon, chris, chaani, cavin, jim, lester, nick... i bet i've left out more names. there were so many of us. and every time, we'd hear these songs delivered with our superstar-diva's soulful voice. this is music i associate with that chapter of my life that was club116.
how surreal that one of us has left this world. exactly one week ago.
i have always wondered about death. i've wondered about death since i was 5. when i first learnt of the concept, i obsessed about it for days, trying to figure out exactly what happens when people die. i gave up eventually because no one had a good answer for me. it stayed in my mind, a fuzzy question mark. i would sometimes get distressed by this lack of clarity, because i really wanted to know what would happen to my mother when the time comes for her to leave me. i had recurring nightmares of mother being bundled away by a white van, as i cry and run after it on my bare little feet. the dreams stopped eventually, but the questions remained.
do we have souls? where do souls go? would we be conscious? would we have an identity? can i still love the people i love in this lifestime? or would i forget everything, everyone? would i lose all my memories, the good and the bad?
would anything still matter, when we are ashes?