May 11th, 2007



my sleeping hours are slowly becoming normalised. still trying to fall asleep earlier by another 1 or 2 hours. currently sleeping point is at 2am (even if i'm in bed by 1am). i think i fell asleep at about 1:30am last night though. aiming for midnight.

went to see alex last night with edmund. alex's skin colour has become ashen, compared to the last time i saw him. he's lost so much weight that he looks about 2/3 of the person he was a few weeks ago. he has lost his cheeks and his face is so pointy now. yet, the top part of his head remains swollen like a basketball. he looked so uncomfortable, with beads of perspiration on his face and his body slightly contorted sideways.

after watching him through the glass for awhile, we went in to talk to him. to my amazement, he responded to us with little movements. i'm sure he could hear us, but just somehow could not regain consciousness. he twitched his legs several times as we egged him on to do it, though his timing didn't exactly coincide with our words (but i like to think it was because he needed more time to respond). at one point, after edmund teased him about getting fat from staying in bed and that he should get up to do sit-ups, i saw alex's head move in what looked like a half-struggle and he heaved a long, drawn-out sigh from his mouth. then he moved his lips like he was eating air (like what people do when they're asleep). it was such a candid and real movement that i half-expected him to open his eyes. which, he didn't. :p

we spoke to him a little longer, and i told him he wasn't getting let off so easily for always chickening out of playing pool with me when we all used to hangout every week. he had more friends waiting outside by this time, and so we left his glass ward.

it was with mixed emotions that i walked out of the ICU, and i wasn't sure what to think. on one hand, i was excited to see his responses. on the other, he did look so very unwell. a friend just told me about this thing that the chinese believe in - 回光返照. this means that some people have a day of miraculous wellness before they pass away. i hope we didn't see a tiny ray of light in this manner.

meanwhile, it's been a frantic first week of work. i'm beat. first coupla days i was tormented by insomnia and freelance projects which seem to keep springing up when i have no time to do them. apologies for slow replies or non-replies... am still in the process of balancing everything!